Wednesday, August 24, 2011

How to Introduce an Ethnically Different Partner to Your Family

Introducing a serious boyfriend/girlfriend to your parents and other family members is nerve-racking on its own, but add a different race, religion, or culture into the mix and you’ve got a potential meltdown on your hands. If you and your partner are not properly prepared you’ll be walking into a potentially cold or even worse outright hostile and abusive situation. What then are some smart ways to go about making those introductions?

Steps:


  • Prepare with your partner. Be an educator who emphasizes the fun, joy, great childhood memories and/or spiritual fulfillment your own traditions and background have given you. Encourage your partner to do the same with you. This will put the two of you into an inclusive stance, rather than a mine vs. yours stance. Practice role- playing various scenarios and rehearse handling certain people. Consider this a job interview: in fact it’s easily as important. By preparing together, you’ll be able to team more effectively when relating to both families.
  • Prepare your family in advance of the meet. Tell your family all the good news about your partner before they meet: how great you two are as a couple, how successful he or she is, how your closest friends have seen the positive changes in you and how good you feel when you’re together. You should also talk about your partner’s heritage and culture in a positive way with your family. Even if your family responds with judgments and resistance, it’s best to stay firmly positive and not to get into a debate with a belief that it will all work out in the end.
  • Learn as much about each other’s customs as possible. This demonstrates respect. That way, when you do meet in person, you can show genuine interest and knowledge, make appreciative statements and follow their customs as best you can. Show that you are flexible and can fit in, at least in part.
  • At the first meeting hold a win-win vision. In a win-win coming together there is acknowledgments that both heritages and backgrounds are great and offer unique, interesting or fun ways to relate as a family or celebrate holidays or build a relationship with God. If your partner’s family does not act in an inclusive way, don’t turn your back on them. Practice being a gracious and inclusive person around them. Remember to always be the change that you want to see in others.
  • Know how to handle a culturally insensitive or inappropriate incident. For example, at a family gathering your boyfriend’s uncle makes a crass joke about your religion. Or at your family’s function, one of your brothers makes a rude comment about spicy Indian food—and your fiance is Indian.
  • Be prepared to side with you partner where needed. It is important for you to step in and protect your partner. Counter a rude statement with a positive statement about your partner’s culture, food or religion. Ask your partner to do the same for you if there’s a problem in his/her family. In the above example, your comeback statement might me, “The lassi may not taste good to you, but it has yogurt in it and is very healthy for you.” Later take your relative aside and tell him/her that your partner is wonderful and you would like his/her help in making the newcomer feel welcomed by the family. Ask them not to make judgmental or inappropriate remarks again.
  • Use positive shaping during follow-up conversations. Positive Shaping Talk is a highly effective relationship skill. It’s a way of communicating in which you ignore the negative actions and comments that others make and instead, help them focus on the positives. Specifically, you accent the positives that turn a difficult situation into a win-win-win for you, your significant other and for your family. So in your follow-up conversations with family members, clearly and lovingly ask for what you want and need that will foster a coming together. For example, you can say, “I’d really love it if you would talk about what you appreciate about my boyfriend’s work ethic.” Or with your partner use positive shaping to help him/her get over a slight or cutting remark. You say, “Honey, I would love it if you could ignore my mother’s crazy remarks and just focus on how she spent hours cooking your favorite dish.”
  • Honor and respect the mix of cultures in a blended couple during the holidays. If you meet family during the holidays, make it a point to celebrate and/or honor both traditions when you’re alone, even if only one will predominate. For example, read a book together about Kwanza, even though most of the holiday festivities revolve around Christmas. If your family is open to it, you could even talk about the other religion or tradition as a way of being more inclusive.
Tips:

  • As you can see, preparation is the key to handling difficult introductions. And preparing as a team is important practice for the longer journey that is a lasting relationship.


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